How did I end up as the bad guy again?
Do your kids ever blame you for what they’ve done? Ready to lose your mind with all the circular thinking?
If you’re a foster/adoptive parent my guess is the answer is “yes!”
“I can’t believe you were digging to find something I did wrong…sorry I can’t be perfect like you want.” Wait, I wasn’t digging…perfect? who said you had to be perfect?…wait you’re the one that _________ why am I the bad guy.
Or, how about this?
“If you weren’t so judgmental of me…have such high expectations…want me to be like your real kids…I wouldn’t have to do this kind of stuff.” Wait our expectations are actually really low…like don’t lie, don’t steal, don’t be cruel…wait how am I the bad guy again you just ___________.
It’s as if in the factory they got the wrong program…or maybe the wires got crossed and they keep jumping in and out of different realities.
Actually, it’s the trauma brain…your child got a new program somewhere in the early years that switches them out of their rational brain and into their survival brain REALLY easily. Because of this, you have to do things differently…traditional parenting will keep letting you down.
- You have to recognize that your child has left reality and decide not to follow them into their chaotic thinking.
- You have to DANCE with our child until they are back to rational (What’s DANCE…I’ll get to that in a second)
- Connect with your child
If you do this over and over again, your child’s trauma brain will start to heal. It’s not easy and I know this is a bit simplified but it is one of the greatest acts of love you can do for the hurt child(ren) God has called you to raise. They aren’t in your home by mistake…God knew you could handle it…he just never expected you to handle it on your own.
Our DANCE model is one part of our My Kids Community and is a good starting point for people looking to transition to therapeutic parenting because traditional parenting isn’t working. DANCE is an acronym for Decision, Acceptance, Non-Judgmental, Curiosity, and Empathy.
I’d like to give you a free eBook explaining the DANCE Model…you can get it here.